How We Can Provide Assistance for the Dying

It is important when dying to have a peaceful mind. Carers and friends can do much to help as a loved one approaches death.

{xtypo_quote}The most worthwhile thing to do (to help the dying) is to inspire the person to think of others with loving kindness and compassion, to wish others to be happy and free from suffering. If a person dies with the thought of benefiting others, their mind is naturally happy, and this makes their death meaningful.{/xtypo_quote}

From ‘Caring For The Dying’, A Collection of Advice for FPMT Hospice Services by Lama Zopa Rinpoche.

{xtypo_quote}People who are dying are frequently vulnerable to guilt, regret and depression. Allow them to express these feelings, listen to them and acknowledge what they say. If appropriate, remind the person of their Buddha (perfect) nature and encourage the person to try to rest in the nature of the mind through the practice of meditation.{/xtypo_quote}

From The Tibetan book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche (Page 216)

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Suggestions for communicating with the dying person

Try to relate to the person’s being beneath the superficial aspects. When dying, people feel that they are no longer beautiful or useful. Our society places great value on beauty and usefulness, on performing well. We need to emphasise that life is much more than this.

Talk about the things they have accomplished and done well. Help them feel as constructive and happy as possible about their lives. Concentrate on their virtues and not their failings.

Reminisce about old times together. Create a loving atmosphere and then be a good listener and allow the person to talk.

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Try to put yourself in their shoes

Help them to express suppressed emotions and feelings. Share in their pain and fear. Being aware of the commonality of suffering and fear helps people to endure their pain and develop compassion. Allow the person to take care of their unfinished business.

Help them to work through their fears of pain, fears of separation, fears of the unknown, knowing all the time, that you share in these same fears and that one day, you, yourself, will be lying there instead of them, looking up into someone else’s eyes—hopefully eyes of love, understanding and peace.

Comfort them in small ways: adjusting their pillow, wiping their forehead, holding their hand, but do not impose your kindness upon them. The way you do things is very important - be guided by their needs. Touch is important: a simple hand or foot massage can mean so much.

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Be calm and peaceful

It is most important to avoid disturbing the peaceful mind of the dying person. Sometimes people gather near the deathbed and indulge in all sorts of distracting conversation, with a lot of crying, or arguing, or expressions of fear. When the dying person hears this disturbing chatter, negative thoughts and emotions of anger, fear, or attachment can be churned up. This kind of distracting talk can cause real damage to a person who is about to die.

Being sad, fearful and upset is natural, but it’s important for you and the dying person to remain as calm and peaceful as possible.

It is important to show your love. Whatever ways you showed love before, do it more. Show them that they are still lovable, and cherished.

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Make their room beautiful and homely

Assist the dying person in whatever way you can to bring their mind to a positive and confident state. The room where the person is residing should be peaceful and attractive. Flowers, essential oil burner, (incense and candles may not be allowed in a hospice/hospital) and calming or inspirational music or mantras may be appropriate.

They may want an image, mantra or prayer placed where they can see it.

A portable music device with headphones may help to settle the dying person without distracting others.

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Everyone is different

Most importantly, do not impose your own preconceptions about what they should or should not do. Be open and sensitive to their needs and their wants; what has meaning and benefit for them. If the person isn’t Buddhist playing them prayers and pujas could distract them.

Do whatever calms their mind and is appropriate for them. If you are Buddhist you can do your prayers/ practices in your head while you are with them.

It is most essential not to disturb the person’s mind.

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Suggestions for supporting a dying Buddhist

If the person has cultivated a strong practice of Dharma, you can influence the direction their mind will take, leading their mind toward faith and other virtuous qualities, which can be treme ndously beneficial and make a great difference in determining the next life.

Remind them of their practices, perhaps reading the prayers or mantras that they recited every day. You can gently guide their mind back to the virtuous practices they cultivated when they were still alive and healthy. Read the prayers and practices to them. This also keeps the mind focused on virtuous thoughts and pulls it away from wandering to unwholesome objects.

Also, make strong dedications with your own practice (and all virtuous activities that you do) that they be free from suffering and that they will find a perfect human rebirth in their future life.

In general, we are helpless to change other peoples’ karma, but seeing to it that the external conditions are peaceful and trying to guide their mind in a virtuous direction, can influence the way their death process proceeds and can be a very good and helpful thing to do.

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Be there for them

Remember that everything you do and say now is for their benefit. Try not to show your anxiety in their presence. Instead show your love and respect for them.

This time is all about them. Our time for grieving comes later.

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Be there for yourself

It is difficult to be around someone who is dying, especially a close friend or a family member. It’s often difficult to know what to say or do, and trying to work out how you can help or support them is hard. Even experienced hospice workers find it difficult to know what to say sometimes. So recognise this too. If you need a break take one. Go for a walk or watch the sunset.

As Lama Yeshe used to say “It’s only when you are kind to yourself, that you can be kind to others”.

Written by Lyndy Abram, Shyla Bauer & Jampa Gendun for Tibetan Buddhist Spiritual Support for the Dying, a recently formed support group.